21
Aug
2015
0

Hitman: Agent 47

Please correct me if I’m wrong – which I seldom am – but, has there ever been a successful video game to feature film adaptation? No you say, well then obviously it makes sense to produce a reboot of the 2007 flop, “Hitman.” To make matters worse, it’s not even a very good video game.

I wasn’t exactly excited to view this film, already knowing what was in store. And to no one’s surprise – especially mine – it was terrible. “Hitman: Agent 47” is an ultra-violent mess of a movie. Unfortunately, even the R rating and copious amounts of blood couldn’t save this film.

It’s difficult to describe the plot, quite simply, because there really isn’t one. However, I’ll try. Rupert Friend plays Agent 47, an assassin who is genetically programmed to be superior to everyone else – athletically, mentally etc., which makes for a great killer. He systematically goes about his business murdering everyone a little Asian woman tells him to, though we never find out who she is, because that might require a storyline. However, Agent 47 then receives a difficult assignment, which ultimately calls into question his stoic badass-ness. Could it be your well-worn damsel in distress?

Hannah Ware plays Katia, a hot, super-stressed and slightly Asperger-y semi-fortune teller who sees things before they happen. She’s independently capable of procuring black market wares though simultaneously doe-eyed enough to attract the attention of two men – Agent 47 and John Smith, played by Zachary Quinto. The two uber-killers fight over Katia like a pair of Marines duking it out over the one semi-attractive four who is now a solid seven after a nine-month long deployment.

Suddenly, voiceover time and the viewers are told what Katia really is, a hotter version of Agent 47 i.e. a genetically altered superhuman. To no one’s surprise John Smith, though initially the nice guy i.e. Mr. Friendzone who has no ulterior motives, is a bad guy. Though 47 informs Katia of her genetic alterations and badassery, she’s still dumbly scared, throughout.

The big reveal, Le Clerq (Thomas Kretschmann) runs a secret though multi-billion-dollar company bent on creating an army of Agent 47s. In order to do that, they need to locate Katia’s father, played by Ciaran Hinds, who is responsible for creating the genetic freaks that billion-dollar corporations and hired assassins are now fighting over. And, to prove how dumb the movie is, Rotten Tomatoes doesn’t even have the name of the character Hinds plays, whatever.

Soon enough, the film turns into an Audi commercial and a tourist commercial for Singapore. Along the way there are some semi-exciting gun and fistfights etc., but still, the story is missing. Eventually, the protagonist – Agent 47 – wins out, all the while Katia continues her doe-faced simplicity.

I cannot reasonably tell the viewer – you – to subscribe to such nonsense. However, undoubtedly, there will be a niche for this film. The world teems with socially retarded fanboys of the absurdly ridiculous. However, for anyone with an iota of intelligence, this film is undoubtedly a must, not see.

1 star out of 5

“Hitman: Agent 47” is rated R for sequences of strong violence, and some language.

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3 Responses

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