30
Aug
2013
0

Getaway

The aptly named “Getaway” turns out to be more of a suggestion for movie goers to find something else to occupy their time this weekend.

Ethan Hawke stars as Brent Magna, a washed-up pro racecar driver who lives in Sofia, Bulgaria, with his wife (Rebecca Budig). As if his name isn’t silly enough, he costars with Selena Gomez as “The Kid,” a gun-toting hood-rat – give me a break.

Magna returns home to find the place completely trashed and his wife missing – shown through a series of pointless black and white flashbacks. He receives a phone call from some ominous, Germanic voice telling him to follow his instructions precisely if he’s to ever see his wife again. His first task, steal a souped-up Ford Shelby Cobra GT 500 with armor and mounted cameras.

All the remaining tasks essentially consist of driving recklessly and attempting to destroy the endless supply of Fiat police cruisers in the city’s arsenal that somehow manage to keep pace with the 662-horsepower muscle car.

The voice, which is essentially Jon Voight’s lips and stained teeth shot in varied close-ups, tells Magna to park in a garage shortly after a ridiculous rampage through a local park. There, unfortunately, the number one “Bielieber” makes her first appearance, attempting to carjack Magna. It turns out the car actually belongs to The Kid, who’s the daughter of some insanely rich banker. Magna is then instructed by The Voice to kill her, but for some unexplained reason he decides she’s vital to his mysterious master plan. Instead, he must not let her go.

From this point on the majority of the film takes place in the front seat of the Mustang and features terrible dialogue and even worse acting. Hawke for the most part grimaces as though he’s constipated or had an epiphany halfway through realizing he’d be in acting purgatory upon the film’s debut. Gomez is simply terrible. Terrible doesn’t really drive home the point of just how awful her performance is, but with my limited vocabulary the only thing more appropriate to describe her affront to the art of acting would be a series of expletives.
There’s more chemistry between North and South Korea than there is between these two. They look as uncomfortable conversing with their limited dialogue as the audience is watching Gomez trying to act – completely out of her element.

Anyway, the duo drive around Sofia, which turns out to be the best part of the movie, at Voight’s direction, and they figure out he’s creating some sort of blockade. Well, as it turns out 10-year-old Gomez happens to be a computer whiz and hacks into The Voice’s obscure network with her iPad and takes control of the car’s mounted cameras, which buys them time to figure out their next move. Somehow she manages to hack into the system quicker than it takes to delete her from your iTunes – I need that app.

Obviously the next logical step is they figure out The Voice’s intentions and come up with a plan to prevent him from accomplishing it. More car crashes and chase scenes ensue. Magna turns out to be heroic though completely dimwitted, and The Kid is incredibly resourceful and wise beyond her years.

“Getaway” is truly the worst movie I’ve had the misfortune of viewing in years. Director Courtney Solomon, who also directed the equally terrible “The American Haunting,” should probably spend the rest of her film career searching for Yeti in Siberia. As for screenwriters Sean Finegan and Gregg Parker, they should stick to silent films.

1 star out of 5

This film is rated PG-13 for intense action, violence and mayhem throughout, some rude gestures, and language.

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